the process of job searching

I should have no fear, no worries about how I will have enough to take care of myself. But the reality is that I do fear. Much more than having the vision of where I want to be, I know that there's much work to be done in order to get there. 

Schools in the States should be competitive because the best should teach. Never having had taught as an actual teacher in the States, I feel like I'm at a disadvantage, and in a way I am, but that shouldn't scare my stiff. I started searching for work and have sent my resume to a few schools. Please say a prayer for me. It's strange how this process makes me feel like I am no longer a young adult. I am a woman with responsibilities and with much to offer. What is it that I compare myself too? What is this fear that hinders me from stepping forth in glory? 

In the next few weeks I'll hopefully have flooded the system with my application for a teaching job. Send your support this way with words of encouragement, but more importantly, your prayers. God bless.

a little faith

A little faith is what I need. I wrote and sent out a newsletter with updates from Mexico and one part asking for prayer and financial support. I know that the support is not in my hands, that it is the Holy Spirit of God who will make generous and thoughtful the people I've reached out to. But I need faith. I have this feeling over me that if people do send financial support, it won't be enough and I won't know what to do with the money. I also have this feeling over me that I won't even be able to raise 10% of what I need (which is just $200). I feel bad feeling this way because it shows how little my faith is in the God who makes all things possible, and in the people who make up the church. (Lord, increase my faith.)

I didn't want to write the newsletter in first place because of these feelings that stem from doubt. But I wrote it and sent it out and, still, I struggle with doubt. I prefer to be independent, being able to do things on my own. (So Lord help me and humble me.) I have this idea, this belief that things will always work out whether they are planned or not. That even if I am unable to take the course while here in Mexico through the support of others, I will be able to in the future to support myself and get certified to teach ESL.

I need a little faith that God can do the impossible even in such a short time.

the kingdom

In thinking about the Kingdom of God and what that is, here are a few thoughts.

A kingdom is made up of people, people who serve their king, honor him, and adore him. The people of God are scattered across the world, some who've already entered into service to the King and those still wait to hear the Good News of Jesus Christ, in whom they will receive citizenship. This here and now is not the Kingdom of God, though we are the people who belong to it. I believe that we are to build a fort around the cities, protecting the weak and equipping the soldiers to fight the battle that is "not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms" (Ephesians 6:12). 

A kingdom cannot, before the return of Christ, exist in peace. There is another kingdom, one of darkness that trains and equips soldiers to infiltrate the people of God, who make up the Kingdom of God. So many people have fallen and continue to fall because they pay little or no mind to their duty as servants of Christ. So many of us get so caught up in living normal lives that we take for granted our positions as sons and daughters of God, and we even act like it's safe to go about our business without the armor of God. Some people wanna say that it's not good to be too spiritual, nor is it good to not be spiritual enough. That's nonsense. We are spiritual beings in bodies that enable us to work out our salvation, to work out what God has put in us (Philippians 2:12). It's like a veil that over our eyes, covering us from seeing our way to God. Only the Word of God, the word of our Lord and King can teach us truth, help us to see it and recognize it. 2 Timothy 3:16-17 says, "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."


Many people don't want to talk about the deeper things that cause them to do what they do - whether it's acting out on faith or acting in sin. There's always a reason, some excuse to vindicate themselves for doing or for not doing a, b, c. I know that no one is perfect, especially Christians. But this isn't an excuse to continue living in defeat or living as one who has not received redemption through Christ. Yes, each of us were born in sin and each of us have been hit and battered with lies by those who've been used as instruments of Satan, our accuser. Yes, we will know pain, but let's not let it take control of our lives. The Apostle Paul says that there is power in purity. He writes to Timothy in book 2:


"Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, ²⁶ and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will" (2:22-25).


Paul instructs us in 1 Thessalonians 5: 12-24 (www.biblegateway.com)  

Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. ¹³ Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. ¹⁴ And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak,be patient with everyone. ¹⁵ Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else.

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. ¹⁹ Do not quench the Spirit. ²⁰ Do not treat prophecies with contempt ²¹ but test them all;hold on to what is good, ²² reject every kind of evil. ²³ May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. ²⁴ The one who calls you is faithful, and he will do it.

I pray that we will each have the courage, wisdom, and strength to fight for our freedom in Christ. We are no longer slaves, but bondservants of Christ, and we can serve him with peace and joy, knowing that He was and is and is to come. He will reign and my prayer is that we will also reign with Him. Glory to God. Amen.

in the days to come

Last weekend I went with friends to Mazatlan to celebrate another friend's birthday. It was quite lovely out there. The city isn't very big, but the malecón stretches over 10 miles. I didn't walk the whole way, of course, but enjoyed it at different points. People say that Mexico is dangerous, particularly Sinaloa because it is a harbor for narcotics. I don't know how much truth there is to all that people say, but it seems like people carry on with normal, every day lilfe. Even here in Guadalajara. I'm not under-estimating the level of violence and crime that exists in Mexico. Having lived here a little over seven months, most days life is normal. There have been mass killings, bus bombings, and crimes of similar nature. With the presidential election taking place this Sunday, July 1st, who knows what will happen. Some speak of revolutions, some speak of uncertainty. God knows. I ask people I know if they are going to vote. Some say yes and some say no. And for those who don't vote, someone else can take their vote. There's talk that a certain party is known to give out money to those who will lend them their credentials so they can vote with it. Kind of crazy.

Aside from what's currently going on, like I've said, people carry on with every day life. So now to the every day. I have a couple of friends visiting next month and I am preparing to be their "tour guide." I want them to experience some of the rich culture here in and around Guadalajara, to see Puerto Vallarta, meet and know my friends. I'm excited and feel blessed.

Teaching has been fine. There are students who come through and decide for various reasons that they cannot continue. So the dynamics of the classroom is hardly constant. Students like class because they feel that they are learning, they enjoy their classmates, or the way the teacher teaches. So, as I continue to learn how to be a teacher, I find ways to effectively teach different grammar points, to lead fun games for practice of knowledge, and how to incorporate extra knowledge that will help students be independent learners (for example, teaching cognates).

Me and Fugie found a way to talk for 15 minutes at $1.25. It's been such a blessing to be able to have our long conversations. I'm looking forward to going home, to being closer to him. In the meantime, I'm making the most of my time here with friends, in teaching

midpoint

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

Romans 15:13

By His grace I have made it to the halfway mark. Now it seems like the months are counted down rather than up. The first six months have been filled with much reflection on who I am in Christ, His purpose for bringing me back to Mexico, and what His desires are for me. God has really stretched me, challenging me to grow in His love and grace, and teaching me how to trust in Him. In this process He has given me amazing people to mutually encourage me – family and friends back home who have stayed involved, friends here who have shared in faith as brothers and sisters in Christ, and authors (such as Oswald, Piper, and so on) who provide insight and exhortation. It’s been a delightful first half.

In recent weeks I have been challenged in my commitment to the Camino community. It’s been frustrating not understanding the morning service messages. So, I stopped attending service two weeks ago and it’s been bittersweet. I use Sunday mornings to listen to sermons online so that I’m fed, but I miss the fellowship with the church. But beyond this, I realized that there is a deeper issue at hand. You see, I have had a pattern of complacency in my life and relationships. And as I prayed and reflected more on what was really going on underneath the frustration, I quickly saw as God revealed to me through His Word and Intercessor that my natural self was deflecting back to its comfortable ways. And I know through experience that this is what backsliding looks like. And I refuse to backslide. I don’t want to be a builder who has started and quits halfway. I want to keep building because I know that it is for God’s glory, not my own which will fade.

The building of ICLS is a continuing process. As we discern God’s vision for the school and work to carry out the mission, we pray for the team’s growth in quality, in numbers, and in finances. Everything we do and need we depend on faith in our Father God who provides. Though we lack in some areas, God has been gracious in teaching us how to work together, to go beyond ourselves in meeting the needs of students, and in growing our faith.

In thinking particularly about the next six months, my personal goals are to persevere through trials (which are so trivial in comparison to so many others), to grow in faith, character, and hope (Romans 5:3-5), as well as an instructor of language. It’s been such an exciting journey walking with Christ, in knowing Him more, and in discerning His will for my life (Romans 12:2). As I continue to trust Him, I am filled with joy and peace, so that I may overflow with hope by the Holy Spirit (Romans 15:13). My prayer is the same for you, too. Amen.

the grace of God

Yesterday while waiting for friends to pick me up, I went across the street to the corner store for a bag of Hot Cheetos. Instead of enjoying my chips back at Camino, I sat on the white-painted metal benches in front of the store. These benches are always there and I have probably only sat on them once while waiting for a friend to buy something. As I was eating the delicious, taste-bud, satisfying cheetos, the man who was sitting on the other bench woke up from his nap and started talking to me. The first thing he said, of which I understood, was the word "lastima" which means shame. He stated in a question that the sight of him, an old man with a scarred up face sleeping there was shameful. In my limited Spanish I just told him no - as in no it isn't lastima. He started to tell me that his parents had passed and he had no one. He started crying. And when he pointed to the scars on his face, making comment on them, he cried even more. I didn't understand everything that he was saying, nor was it necessary. All I knew was that he was hurting and lonely. I told him, Tiene usted Dios (you have God). But he just stared at me in silence and more tears welled up from his eyes. I don't think those words really soaked in the first time. He spoke more and I listened while looking into his eyes so he knew that he had my attention. I told him again Tiene Dios. Usted es un hijo de Dios (you are a child of God). And then I felt the Holy Spirit prompting me to ask him to come with me across the street to Camino. The Alpha team had an event and I knew I would find someone there to minister to him. Well, while he was crying I got up and told him, Ven, ven conmigo. Vamos a la iglesia cruza la calle alla. And he stared at me, confused. First he slightly refused and then said, but "I have been crying." That didn't matter to me. I called him hermano (brother) and told him again come with me, and I reached out my hand to him. He got up and we crossed the street where I found Rhona and explained to her the situation. While she went to get another man who would talk with him and counsel him, I went over to the man, his name is Polito, and told him my name. I stretched out my hand to shake his and he called me hermana. I started crying with him as he said I have a sister now. And I assured him, tiene una hermana, soy su hermana.

mission work and funds

In the first four books of the New Testament, we see that Jesus Christ shared about the Kingdom of God to his own people, other nations, in his own town and beyond. He disciple men and taught women the Way of life. Jesus said, “My will is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish His work” (John 4:34). After his resurrection, he appeared to his followers before being taken up to heaven. The Holy Spirit was given as a gift from that point on to us, who believe in him, in the name of Jesus to teach us all things and to remind us of everything Christ has said (John 14:25).

In the book of Acts we see his disciples Peter and John and others do what Jesus did: heal the sick, deliver the demon possessed, and preach the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We also see that Jesus appeared to Saul, who then became the Apostle Paul when he was chosen by Christ to be an “instrument to carry [his] name before the Gentiles and their kings and before the people of Israel.” Jesus said of Paul, “I will show him how much he must suffer for my name” (Acts 9:15-16).

Paul and the other apostles travelled from city to city preaching Christ crucified (1 Corinthians 1:23). As they preached and people accepted the gospel of peace and salvation through Jesus Christ, the number of believers grew. Therefore, churches were planted as people gathered to worship God and fellowship in His name. “The numbers of disciples were increasing” among many nations, which brought forth dispute about practices. So, the 12 original disciples (including the one that replaced Judas Iscariot) chose seven men among them who were known to be “full of the Spirit and wisdom” to take responsibility of this matter (Acts 6:1-7). When the church in Jerusalem received report of people, particularly Gentiles, converting to Christianity and receiving the Holy Spirit, they would send disciples to these various places to check for “evidence of the grace of God” (Acts 11).

The apostles and disciples committed to the Great Commission (Mark 15:15-16) encouraged each other by the work they were doing for and in the Lord. They shared the vision and work of Jesus Christ and, therefore, carried each other’s burdens in that way (1 Corinthians 7:5-7). There was a married couple, Aquila and Priscilla, who were missionaries preaching the good news of Jesus Christ. They welcomed into their home and encouraged others who were also spreading the gospel (Acts 18:18-28).    

Nowadays, many young people in the modern church fundraise for support to go on mission trips. Is this biblical? some may ask. As for Paul, a son of a Pharisee and an ex-Pharisee himself, says in Acts 20:34-35, “You yourselves know that these hands of mine have supplied my own needs and the needs of my companions. In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’.”

Even though Paul did all he could to not be a burden to the church, he considered his “being a burden” a blessing to them (2 Corinthians 12:13). In 2 Corinthians 8 Paul encourages the church, which is the people of God, to be generous. He tells them, “But just as you excel in everything – in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us – see that you also excel in this grace of giving” (verse 7). Paul says, “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” The gifts and donations given by the people of God to support missions is a service to God.

And “This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of the Lord’s people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God. Because of the service by which you have proved yourselves, others will praise God for the obedience that accompanies your confession of the gospel of Christ, and for your generosity in sharing with them and with everyone else. And in their prayers for you their hearts will go out to you, because of the surpassing grace God has given you. Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift!" (2 Corinthians 9:6-15).

in need of a word

I realized that in the last few months, really since I've been here, I haven't been taking in the Word of God in service. I've had people translate a few times for me in the earlier months, but other than that it's been a routine of going downstairs, hearing a message preached in Spanish, and heading back up to my room once it's all over. I realized that it has taken a toll on me. I am so hungry to hear and understand the Word preached.

I can practice listening in Spanish during service, but this muscle hasn’t strengthened much, especially if I don't feel like I'm being directly spoken to. I find myself thinking about other things, distracted from what Word would be helpful in my current growth as a believer. I’ve been attending church service because I’ve wanted to – each week I tell myself that I am going to be attentive in listening to the message in Spanish. But each week has proven to be the same old pattern of lacking understanding.

So, instead of attending service today, I decided to listen to biblical messages uploaded on my laptop. I also listened a preach titled, "Give up the Good for the Best" by my home church pastor (www.sphac.org). The message was about how Moses gave up his life in Egypt to heed the call of God. It was refreshing to hear Hmonglish and it felt like I was sitting next to my parents on the pew.

I am going to try harder to comprehend the messages in Spanish during service. I am also going to commit my Sundays to going online to listen to sermons. My desire is to know God through His Word, be filled with the Holy Spirit, and deepen in root. Glory to God in the Highest. Amen.

"¿Eres una misionera?"

Since I've been in Mexico various people have asked me this question, and I don't like to think of myself as a missionary. I don't really see myself as one. But as Christians are called to always be ready to share the Good News of Jesus Christ with those who ask, I am out of place, therefore, questions are raised about what I'm doing here in Mexico. And in response I share how God was and is working in me and opened this door for me to go deeper with Him.

My time here is short, just a year commitment. In the future I would like spend a longer amount of time in another land with my soon-to-be husband Fugie. We are praying and preparing ourselves for the time when He will summon us to Him in a foreign land. Whether we are called to go during the early years of our marriage or much later when our children (God willing by his grace) are grown and in college, when He calls us, we will be ready. Aside from me learning Spanish and him learning Greek that they might become useful for ministry, we continue to learn day by day how to draw closer to Him, to seek His face and will for our life together.

So, though my concept and perception of what a missionary is, I am thankful to be here in Mexico. I have made some amazing friends and have been encouraged in so many ways to see and be a small apart of what God is doing here. Glory to God in the Highest. Amen.

Women with a heart for God's Work: Lizzie, Yer, Karina, Lety, & Susy

state of confusion

These last few days have been very confusing. I've been trying to make sense of words and its effects. I have said things that I've meant, and some of the things I've said haven't manifested itself yet. And some things I believe take time to work itself out before it can be seen. But still, I've been feeling challenged, like a liar for not having produced fruit for the things I've said I'll do. I think I know some things, yet it seems like I don't really know anything at all when it comes to matters of the heart. Going deep and having gone deeper than I've imagined is so confusing. Depth in relationships is what my heart desires...yet it seems like though I've gone deep in some relationships, I lack the faith that I won't drown, that I won't pull the others down with me.

I am guilty of little faith. Such little faith. God help me to believe. My unbelief is killing me, breaking hearts, pushing my one and only love away. I used to be strong-willed, that's how I got to where I am. These last few days I've been wallowing in my will, trying to hold on to what I believe is true. God help me. I don't want to lose the good things in my life. I don't want to let myself down again. Lord, I need strength to fight and I desperately need you to open my eyes, to pierce my heart with your Truth. You're my only Hope.

"There's a warrior and a victim living deep
Inside all of us
We have to choose to fight or surrender
When the world beats us up
I know where my weakness lies, but I know it's a fight that I can win
I may get broken trying to get up
But I can't wait to start again, I'm gonna start again"

Brand New Me by John Michael Montgomery

rehab

What comes to mind is a place for addicts looking to overcome drug habits. Maybe another type of institution, such as physical rehab where people re-learn how to use and coordinate muscles. The rehab that I know is a place where both muscles need to be strengthened and bad habits changed.

Before coming to Mexico, all I knew was that I wanted to love deeper and grow more. While back home in Minnesota around my family, friends, and loved ones I felt a wall keeping me from going deeper. This wall was not physical but mental and emotional. I hadn't noticed much of the love and affection missing in my life until my first stay in Mexico in 2010. I left feeling an emptiness that wanted to be filled with love, a pure love that only comes from God and shown through His people. So the next year I lived at home and practiced loving my family and friends to the best of my ability. And the muscle of loving them was strengthening, yet more work needed to be done.

After a long year of mentally preparing to return to Mexico, back to the place where God had openend my eyes to see how the love in my heart wanted to show itself to others, I bought my flight for November 12, 2012. The days up until then were counted down and filled with love from dear ones. Fugie, my best friend and home, encouraged me to come knowing that I would regret it if I let this opportunity slip through my hands. It's been 5 months since my arrival and I have been extra homesick. I miss Fugie. I miss my family. I miss my friends. And it would be so easy to get up and go home, but I won't until my commitment is completed.

A few weeks ago one of my disabling habits returned. This bad habit is a pattern. A pattern of defeat and self-pity. This self-pity manifests itself in the scenarios I allow my mind to create. I let my imagination run wild, not holding onto Truth and my faith in the One and Only true God. Like a sad movie, I would allow my emotions to write the script and I'd be moping in that nasty pity that sickens me and those that I've given a role in my story, without their permission. When I realized that this habit's name was Self-pity, I put my foot down. I wasn't going to be the puppet of this habit anymore. It was hurting me and it has been hurting Fugie. And I can only imagine how it hurts Christ. When I learned of its name, I looked back and saw how it showed up in my past, how it kept trying to overtake me. And I said, No more. God, help me. Through prayer and meditation, I actually saw myself for the first time through Christ's eyes (or so it seemed like the first time). How heartbreaking to see His child, Ntxawm, so loved by Him wallow back and forth in the prison she created for herself.

I don't think that a person can really love someone or something that they cannot name. Likewise, I don't think a battle can be fought with someone or something that cannot be identified. Up until I learned the name of the habit, I didn't know what I was fighting. But now I know; I can see. And I am determined to get well, to battle this out. It's already done enough harm in my life and to the ones I love. By the strength of God I will overcome.

I thank God for opening the door back to Mexico and for the support system I have back at home, especially my heart, Fugie, who has been my strength through my weakness. He is the second reason why I want to get well, why I must get well. I am thankful for the people He's given me here to encourage me with their friendship on this journey. I also thank God for the work of being a teacher. It keeps me focused and stretches me as I am stretched in other ways for growth. This rehab is not institutional like those we've heard about or have seen, but it is of the heart and mind.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalm 28:7

she is not her own

In the mirror stands a naked person, clothed in cotton and a variation of synthetics

She looks in the eyes of the face and sees nothing covering her heart, just a light veil

Wounds from long ago remain, but enveloped in skin grown thickly over time

The flesh feels tender, reminded at times of the sharp pain shooting up from deep within

Yet the heart stays pumping, pump, pump, pump

And under the weight of her imagination, she realizes she has to let go

Let go of the things that she uses to cause her heart to ache

She sees herself, beyond the case of her own victim, beyond the woman she alone tries to create

She is not her own, she accepts even while naked and seen

i desperately need wisdom

I feel like in the last couple of weeks, I have not any wisdom. The place I'm in is not quite dark, yet I cannot see very much. I probably have too much going on in my mind. And I'm likely giving more attention than needed to certain things and am not focusing on what I need to do one day at a time.

Often times I find myself in a similar place, if not the same. Sometimes I feel disabled, as though I cannot do much, and I really think it's because I can't keep still and feel like my mind's gotta find some sort of distraction. I'm probably putting off dealing with what's going on inside me. And yet, I'm not exactly sure what I can do...

I know I should be in prayer, at His feet, remaining in Him until I am overcome by His peace. Yet I am here, not sure if what I'm doing is wasting time. So, I'll keep this short and ask that you, if you are still reading, to take a moment to say a prayer for me. Pray that I will trust in God and in His perfect Will. Thank you. Don't forget to say a prayer for yourself, too.

consecrating myself

Every day I am reminded of how desperately the world needs Jesus Christ.

I look around and see people. Some beg, some are homeless, and some try to make a living out of what they can sell. I am reminded of how much I take for granted: food, clothing, shelter, and access to water and electricity. I have enough of these and yet I find myself sometimes in an attitude of ungratefulness. I know I’m not perfect and I’m far from that. I recognize that I am a part of the brokenness in this world. And I choose to be an instrument of Hope.

My friend sent me off to Mexico with Oswald Chambers’ book, My Utmost for His Highest. His thoughts and devotions have become a daily part of my life. I reflect on his wisdom and work at applying it to my life. His devotion to the Person of Christ has made me want to know Him better. I desire to have a deeper and intimate relationship with Christ, to know His heart and be like Him so that I may please Him. Following Christ in the gospels and paying attention to his behaviors, His teachings, and His attitude toward certain things and people help me to check my own heart, my attitude, and behaviors.

Chambers writes, “Consecration is the act of continually separating myself from everything except that which God has appointed me to do.” I don’t ask God every day what it is that He has appointed me to do. I simply just do what I know I am here to do in Mexico: to be in relationship with my team and the people God draws me to (and those He draws to me) as I grow in the skills of learning and teaching. During down time I enjoy reading and writing as well as watching the screen. Whether it be a video on YouTube or a movie, sometimes I walk away with weight on my heart. The cares of the world seep in through my eyes and hope begins to darken.

Jesus said that those who follow Him will be hated because of Him (Matthew 10:22). I am well aware of division, especially within the Hmong community, because of Christ. It hurts but this is what Jesus was talking about when He gave that warning. Yet Jesus commands His followers to love God, first and foremost, and our neighbors, which include every single person.

So, love? I ask. Give me the strength, I pray. Unless I consecrate my life and service to God, I cannot be an instrument of Hope. Only in Him do I have security in knowing that all of my basic needs are provided for. Only in Christ can I love deeply. In a world where people are asleep, seeking after and dreaming of immediate pleasure in things and people that will love them back, I need to look to Christ.   

asking for too much

Friends are those I share laughter, tears, and silence with. They are are not afraid to speak the Word of Truth, especially when it is desired and not just needed. I have shared my heart with many people, but my friends are those who've share their hearts with me, too. They have been there for me and continue to come through. However, I have found that some friends are only there when they feel needed. I think that for some, it seems that I only come around when I am "needed." I am not exactly sure if this is a terribly sad thing. But as I'm processing being here in Mexico and not having the same kind of access to certain things, I am wondering what kind of friend I have been and am. I truly believe that people reflect each other in some way or another. And I am at a place of reflecting on what kind of friend I have been.

If a friend asks me to do them a favor, and I know I can't do it, I will say no. And I respect the few friends of mine that are honest enough to tell me no. But if it's a favor I'm not sure about...have I let them know that I need more time to think about it? Or have I left them hanging? I know that people stay busy, and I wonder if I've acted too busy for friends? Too busy to reach out and encourage? I know I shouldn't feel like an inconvenience, but sometimes I do feel like what I'm asking for is too much, therefore, I feel like the inconvenience for even have asked. And I don't like feeling like that. The natural reaction is to want to be independent of people, of friends. And that is undoubtedly unhealthy.

People are created for each other, to need and want each other, and the extreme of that shows itself in the idolization others. I know many people put up a front as though they didn't have a need for others, but deep down there is a desire to relate, to connect, to have, and to hold. And doing those very things can be pretty scary, especially at first. My may my pride be the first to go.

There are some questions that ask for too much. Some do not. And I think that in knowing when I am asking for too much, I can gauge between who I can call on and who I cannot. I think this is a fair way to measure how true my friendship is. I believe that despite how busy life can get, a true friend will always try to do their best to help in any way possible. Asking for too much is when the resources are not there and access is rather impossible.

So, with my limitations here in Mexico, I will have to depend on friends for help. And when they cannot come through, I'll just have to make do with what I have. I already have the greatest friend in the world, Jesus Christ, and He is more than enough.

follow through

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is follow through. I realize that I become so self-absorbed that I second everything else to my needs, my insecurities, my, my, my. I find it very annoying because it's apart of me that I don't like. It was only in the last year or so that I realized this unhealthy habit of mine, this habit of running away, of not facing my issues. I have allowed many good things to go, things that didn't really have a chance to show itself. I ran before I could even see.

My eyesight is poor. I have to keep in contacts or wear my glasses, especially in the dark. I used to wish that I had better vision, so I could see the expression on people's faces - if they were happy, sad, honest, or deceptive. Wanting to see people's eyes and their facial expressions, for me, helped me to gauge my behavior and responses, which were usually reactions. There were many times when I was content with not seeing faces. I didn't want to know their true feelings; I didn't want to read people. Even now, there are times when I would prefer to go without my glasses, but I know that it costs me too much to not see into people's eyes. So, I'm stuck with this dilenma that I'm learning to workout.

I love people. But I get in the way of loving people. To love means to give myself unselfishly AND to accept love from others. But I have found this to be difficult. I am so full of myself that it's hard to love myself. I know all my flaws, and everything about me that is unattractive. And I used to think that if people really saw me, they would run away. So, I used this little lie as the excuse to run away. When I looked in the mirror, I thought it was really me that I was seeing, but it was this pitiful child looking back at me. I mean, with all the glory and grace that God molded me from, I was wasting away. And when I realized this through the tangible love from my family, friends, and fiance I knew I had to get over myself.

Even though I have found loving me difficult, I am worth it. One man proved his love to me. His love that is unconditional, that did not require me to do anything but receive. And so I did despite all of the ugliness inside of me. He continues to call forth from within me the beauty that is much more powerful, more desired. This man, Jesus Christ, never once thought of me as unlovable. He sees through this front of mine and He isn't discouraged by it. Because Jesus never gave up on reaching out to me, I want to reach further than I've ever imagined. When I think about how Christ followed through, all the way to the Cross, I am encouraged to keep growing in love.

In Him, all things are possible.

grief and sorrow for a new day

2 Corinthians 7:10 ^"For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death."

For numerous people and things I have felt sadness, but it was only a few years ago that I truly felt sorrow and learned how to grieve. Three years ago my mentor Jim passed away in his sleep. He didn't have a happy past but dedicated the last few years of his life to walk with God. I won't tell his story, but if you read Psalms 38, you will get a picture of his sorrow in life. During the time Jim took me under his wings, he taught me many things about life and helped me see its possibilities. Most important of all the lessons, he taught me how to rely on God. We met when I was a senior in high school, during a time in my life that was desperate for direction and guidance. There were many things that I came to believe about myself, things that were mostly negative and didn't affirm my identity. My relationships and experiences had left me broken. I was lost. I dwelled in my misery until I became blind to any hope of seeing light. This was when I remembered God.

During Jim's last few years of life, and those being my first few years of rehabilitating my heart, I battled before God with my past that constantly haunted me. I had agreed with various people who told me that I was just a nice person, that I was mediocre, and that was really it to me. I was taken advantage of for numerous reasons and found myself having to battle out how this took effect in me. Over a period of months of dealing with feelings of self-hate, of anger, of rejection, and abandonment, I was victorious in reclaiming my identity in Christ. But that was only the beginning; I was barely standing at this point.

Now I was ready for the healing to begin, so I thought. In relearning how to live as a follower of Christ, I found myself hurt and confused many a times. My heart was still very fragile and I constantly found myself at the foot of Christ, crying in sorrow and anger. My past wasn't going to easily let me go. It was like coming out of a long-term relationship. The memories were still there. The blame and accusation. The guilt and shame. But I held onto Christ. Even though living with the pain seemed like a much easier option, I couldn't move on with my life. I wanted to love. Deeply. But I had to let go of who I used to be. The old me couldn't love because she was so battered and bruised.

When Jim passed away, I felt his death water my life. I knew I was now on my own in this journey of healing, but he gave all he could until his death just so I could have a chance to be the woman that God created me to be. Jim saw my glory way before I could. He spoke life into mine and affirmed my identity in Christ. But those few years weren't all sunshine and smiles. I was angry at Jim for caring about me, for loving me. I was angry because I felt like I was indebted to him for his kindness, but he wanted nothing more than for me to take hold of the glory of the woman that God intended. Jim helped me carry my burden. He often suffered from my anger, but he never left. He didn't abandon me. And I thank God that He took Jim home to a better place.

That was three years ago. Last year, I was at the peak of my sorrow from the past. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend (Fugie), now fiance, for four years. At the beginning of those years, we were close friends who shared the things of our hearts - from stories about family, friends, and past relationships to our sorrows of yesterdays and joys of tomorrow. Two years later we decided to commit to a serious relationship. And last year I broke up with him.

The moments leading up to the break-up were pitiful, but I didn't see it as that. I started to believe that Fugie deserved someone better, that I wasn't feminine or fragile enough for a man like him. I started to agree with the negative thoughts and feelings that kept knocking at my heart. I have always been happy with Fugie. He has been a tremendous part of my healing and he has helped me grow in so many ways. I was content with Fugie fighting for my heart and I didn't even think to fight for us. So, in my pit of brokenness, I cried out to God, and all I could ask was why? Why had I done this? And the moment that Fugie called me back, I knew that I had to fight. He was still fighting for me. I wanted him in my life. I wanted our relationship. I wanted my heart. And since then, I have been fighting and am truly happy.

It's not all sunshine and smiles, but it does come after sorrow. It was only until I felt sorrow in my heart and let it take its course that I was able to live again. Jesus Christ died so that I can live. He is the source of my joy and happiness. When Jesus was beaten and crucified, God grieved. Oswald Chambers calls it the "tragedy of God." Since I've been in Mexico, I've been reflecting on the tragedy of God. I believe that in order to really follow Christ, we must grieve His death, which was done to redeem us from our brokenness that's a result of our sins that hinder us from living life to its fullest. (I know different people have different ideas about what this means to live life to the fullest, but I am talking about the freedom of our hearts. When our hearts are free from bondage and bagges, we can then experience a deep joy, which I cannot honestly say I know what that's all about yet.)

As I continue to be sorrowful for the tragedy of God, I continue to pray for the people that Christ died for. I look around everyday and thank God for the redemption that we have through Jesus Christ. There is always reason to feel sorrow when thinking about humanity. Let us not dwell in our misery, but look to Christ for healing. It isn't easy but it's worth it. I hope that you desire healing and life enough to grieve over your past and let go. You don't have to remain in your brokenness. Get up and pick yourself up. Make a choice to follw Christ; He knows what your heart desires, so don't hide anymore. Come forth into a new day.