For numerous people and things I have felt sadness, but it was only a few years ago that I truly felt sorrow and learned how to grieve. Three years ago my mentor Jim passed away in his sleep. He didn't have a happy past but dedicated the last few years of his life to walk with God. I won't tell his story, but if you read Psalms 38, you will get a picture of his sorrow in life. During the time Jim took me under his wings, he taught me many things about life and helped me see its possibilities. Most important of all the lessons, he taught me how to rely on God. We met when I was a senior in high school, during a time in my life that was desperate for direction and guidance. There were many things that I came to believe about myself, things that were mostly negative and didn't affirm my identity. My relationships and experiences had left me broken. I was lost. I dwelled in my misery until I became blind to any hope of seeing light. This was when I remembered God.
During Jim's last few years of life, and those being my first few years of rehabilitating my heart, I battled before God with my past that constantly haunted me. I had agreed with various people who told me that I was just a nice person, that I was mediocre, and that was really it to me. I was taken advantage of for numerous reasons and found myself having to battle out how this took effect in me. Over a period of months of dealing with feelings of self-hate, of anger, of rejection, and abandonment, I was victorious in reclaiming my identity in Christ. But that was only the beginning; I was barely standing at this point.
Now I was ready for the healing to begin, so I thought. In relearning how to live as a follower of Christ, I found myself hurt and confused many a times. My heart was still very fragile and I constantly found myself at the foot of Christ, crying in sorrow and anger. My past wasn't going to easily let me go. It was like coming out of a long-term relationship. The memories were still there. The blame and accusation. The guilt and shame. But I held onto Christ. Even though living with the pain seemed like a much easier option, I couldn't move on with my life. I wanted to love. Deeply. But I had to let go of who I used to be. The old me couldn't love because she was so battered and bruised.
When Jim passed away, I felt his death water my life. I knew I was now on my own in this journey of healing, but he gave all he could until his death just so I could have a chance to be the woman that God created me to be. Jim saw my glory way before I could. He spoke life into mine and affirmed my identity in Christ. But those few years weren't all sunshine and smiles. I was angry at Jim for caring about me, for loving me. I was angry because I felt like I was indebted to him for his kindness, but he wanted nothing more than for me to take hold of the glory of the woman that God intended. Jim helped me carry my burden. He often suffered from my anger, but he never left. He didn't abandon me. And I thank God that He took Jim home to a better place.
That was three years ago. Last year, I was at the peak of my sorrow from the past. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend (Fugie), now fiance, for four years. At the beginning of those years, we were close friends who shared the things of our hearts - from stories about family, friends, and past relationships to our sorrows of yesterdays and joys of tomorrow. Two years later we decided to commit to a serious relationship. And last year I broke up with him.
The moments leading up to the break-up were pitiful, but I didn't see it as that. I started to believe that Fugie deserved someone better, that I wasn't feminine or fragile enough for a man like him. I started to agree with the negative thoughts and feelings that kept knocking at my heart. I have always been happy with Fugie. He has been a tremendous part of my healing and he has helped me grow in so many ways. I was content with Fugie fighting for my heart and I didn't even think to fight for us. So, in my pit of brokenness, I cried out to God, and all I could ask was why? Why had I done this? And the moment that Fugie called me back, I knew that I had to fight. He was still fighting for me. I wanted him in my life. I wanted our relationship. I wanted my heart. And since then, I have been fighting and am truly happy.
It's not all sunshine and smiles, but it does come after sorrow. It was only until I felt sorrow in my heart and let it take its course that I was able to live again. Jesus Christ died so that I can live. He is the source of my joy and happiness. When Jesus was beaten and crucified, God grieved. Oswald Chambers calls it the "tragedy of God." Since I've been in Mexico, I've been reflecting on the tragedy of God. I believe that in order to really follow Christ, we must grieve His death, which was done to redeem us from our brokenness that's a result of our sins that hinder us from living life to its fullest. (I know different people have different ideas about what this means to live life to the fullest, but I am talking about the freedom of our hearts. When our hearts are free from bondage and bagges, we can then experience a deep joy, which I cannot honestly say I know what that's all about yet.) As I continue to be sorrowful for the tragedy of God, I continue to pray for the people that Christ died for. I look around everyday and thank God for the redemption that we have through Jesus Christ. There is always reason to feel sorrow when thinking about humanity. Let us not dwell in our misery, but look to Christ for healing. It isn't easy but it's worth it. I hope that you desire healing and life enough to grieve over your past and let go. You don't have to remain in your brokenness. Get up and pick yourself up. Make a choice to follw Christ; He knows what your heart desires, so don't hide anymore. Come forth into a new day.
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