state of confusion

These last few days have been very confusing. I've been trying to make sense of words and its effects. I have said things that I've meant, and some of the things I've said haven't manifested itself yet. And some things I believe take time to work itself out before it can be seen. But still, I've been feeling challenged, like a liar for not having produced fruit for the things I've said I'll do. I think I know some things, yet it seems like I don't really know anything at all when it comes to matters of the heart. Going deep and having gone deeper than I've imagined is so confusing. Depth in relationships is what my heart desires...yet it seems like though I've gone deep in some relationships, I lack the faith that I won't drown, that I won't pull the others down with me.

I am guilty of little faith. Such little faith. God help me to believe. My unbelief is killing me, breaking hearts, pushing my one and only love away. I used to be strong-willed, that's how I got to where I am. These last few days I've been wallowing in my will, trying to hold on to what I believe is true. God help me. I don't want to lose the good things in my life. I don't want to let myself down again. Lord, I need strength to fight and I desperately need you to open my eyes, to pierce my heart with your Truth. You're my only Hope.

"There's a warrior and a victim living deep
Inside all of us
We have to choose to fight or surrender
When the world beats us up
I know where my weakness lies, but I know it's a fight that I can win
I may get broken trying to get up
But I can't wait to start again, I'm gonna start again"

Brand New Me by John Michael Montgomery