follow through

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is follow through. I realize that I become so self-absorbed that I second everything else to my needs, my insecurities, my, my, my. I find it very annoying because it's apart of me that I don't like. It was only in the last year or so that I realized this unhealthy habit of mine, this habit of running away, of not facing my issues. I have allowed many good things to go, things that didn't really have a chance to show itself. I ran before I could even see.

My eyesight is poor. I have to keep in contacts or wear my glasses, especially in the dark. I used to wish that I had better vision, so I could see the expression on people's faces - if they were happy, sad, honest, or deceptive. Wanting to see people's eyes and their facial expressions, for me, helped me to gauge my behavior and responses, which were usually reactions. There were many times when I was content with not seeing faces. I didn't want to know their true feelings; I didn't want to read people. Even now, there are times when I would prefer to go without my glasses, but I know that it costs me too much to not see into people's eyes. So, I'm stuck with this dilenma that I'm learning to workout.

I love people. But I get in the way of loving people. To love means to give myself unselfishly AND to accept love from others. But I have found this to be difficult. I am so full of myself that it's hard to love myself. I know all my flaws, and everything about me that is unattractive. And I used to think that if people really saw me, they would run away. So, I used this little lie as the excuse to run away. When I looked in the mirror, I thought it was really me that I was seeing, but it was this pitiful child looking back at me. I mean, with all the glory and grace that God molded me from, I was wasting away. And when I realized this through the tangible love from my family, friends, and fiance I knew I had to get over myself.

Even though I have found loving me difficult, I am worth it. One man proved his love to me. His love that is unconditional, that did not require me to do anything but receive. And so I did despite all of the ugliness inside of me. He continues to call forth from within me the beauty that is much more powerful, more desired. This man, Jesus Christ, never once thought of me as unlovable. He sees through this front of mine and He isn't discouraged by it. Because Jesus never gave up on reaching out to me, I want to reach further than I've ever imagined. When I think about how Christ followed through, all the way to the Cross, I am encouraged to keep growing in love.

In Him, all things are possible.