rehab

What comes to mind is a place for addicts looking to overcome drug habits. Maybe another type of institution, such as physical rehab where people re-learn how to use and coordinate muscles. The rehab that I know is a place where both muscles need to be strengthened and bad habits changed.

Before coming to Mexico, all I knew was that I wanted to love deeper and grow more. While back home in Minnesota around my family, friends, and loved ones I felt a wall keeping me from going deeper. This wall was not physical but mental and emotional. I hadn't noticed much of the love and affection missing in my life until my first stay in Mexico in 2010. I left feeling an emptiness that wanted to be filled with love, a pure love that only comes from God and shown through His people. So the next year I lived at home and practiced loving my family and friends to the best of my ability. And the muscle of loving them was strengthening, yet more work needed to be done.

After a long year of mentally preparing to return to Mexico, back to the place where God had openend my eyes to see how the love in my heart wanted to show itself to others, I bought my flight for November 12, 2012. The days up until then were counted down and filled with love from dear ones. Fugie, my best friend and home, encouraged me to come knowing that I would regret it if I let this opportunity slip through my hands. It's been 5 months since my arrival and I have been extra homesick. I miss Fugie. I miss my family. I miss my friends. And it would be so easy to get up and go home, but I won't until my commitment is completed.

A few weeks ago one of my disabling habits returned. This bad habit is a pattern. A pattern of defeat and self-pity. This self-pity manifests itself in the scenarios I allow my mind to create. I let my imagination run wild, not holding onto Truth and my faith in the One and Only true God. Like a sad movie, I would allow my emotions to write the script and I'd be moping in that nasty pity that sickens me and those that I've given a role in my story, without their permission. When I realized that this habit's name was Self-pity, I put my foot down. I wasn't going to be the puppet of this habit anymore. It was hurting me and it has been hurting Fugie. And I can only imagine how it hurts Christ. When I learned of its name, I looked back and saw how it showed up in my past, how it kept trying to overtake me. And I said, No more. God, help me. Through prayer and meditation, I actually saw myself for the first time through Christ's eyes (or so it seemed like the first time). How heartbreaking to see His child, Ntxawm, so loved by Him wallow back and forth in the prison she created for herself.

I don't think that a person can really love someone or something that they cannot name. Likewise, I don't think a battle can be fought with someone or something that cannot be identified. Up until I learned the name of the habit, I didn't know what I was fighting. But now I know; I can see. And I am determined to get well, to battle this out. It's already done enough harm in my life and to the ones I love. By the strength of God I will overcome.

I thank God for opening the door back to Mexico and for the support system I have back at home, especially my heart, Fugie, who has been my strength through my weakness. He is the second reason why I want to get well, why I must get well. I am thankful for the people He's given me here to encourage me with their friendship on this journey. I also thank God for the work of being a teacher. It keeps me focused and stretches me as I am stretched in other ways for growth. This rehab is not institutional like those we've heard about or have seen, but it is of the heart and mind.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." Psalm 28:7