humans in a zoo

I was at the Guadalajara Zoo today and was reminded of how awesome it is to be able to touch some of the animals and to feed some. There is no real enforcement of rules, so where a sign says "Do not feed" people do anyway and the lucky ones of us get to stroke the animal.

When I see fish or other sea creatures, I don't mind so much that they are confined in a beatifully decorated tank with other colorful fish. What got to me was watching the chimpanzees and orangutangs hold out their hands as a gesture of asking for food. These animals have become used to living as zoo animals, being stared at and treated as though their life purpose was to entertain humans.

Though I enjoyed various sceneries and the beauty of the animals, especially on the Safari ride, I was reminded of the blessing to be a human being. Many of us who are reading this are free from living in a physical cage. There are thousands of people, if not millions, who are caged up in prisons controlled by the government. There are just as many, if not more, people who are trapped as slaves - for labor, sex, and God knows what more, in and out of the sight of government.

For the rest of us, our prisons are more mental, emotional, and spiritual than they are physical. Many of us have become used to being a certain way because of the things we believe about ourselves and others. We have made enough of the same excuses that they have become what is true for us. We eventaully become our excuses, and these eventually become lame no matter how good they seemed at first.

Do we, as humans, live as though we are in a zoo? Or have we already found ourselves in a zoo and will settle for the comfort it provides, no matter the cost? For many, it has and will cost spouses and loved ones. For others, it has cost a life. As I was watching a female orangutang sit on the edge of the rocks, facing us with her balding, raggedy hair and droopy breasts, I thought, can't she just jump off and end her life? Horrible, I know, but I thought about Elie Wiesel and the millions of people who, while living through war, considered suicide because life just didn't seem like it would see better days. And then I was reminded that I am too small to comprehend life in full and it is not from my heart to wonder such thoughts.

By the grace of God, we are humans. We do have choice in how we will behave and in what behaviors will be acceptable. For those of us who have found ourselves in a zoo, we need to stand up and stop crawling as though a baby, and say enough is enough; we will not be confined to the object of another's desire for entertainment. When we live mainly to entertain ourselves and others, we will find that our lives are like a zoo. Constantly, people are waiting and watching and expecting us to entertain. When the zoo closes and people go home, so does the heart.

The human heart desires love and connection. But many of us, if not all, have ignored this condition. We have chosen to take comfort in what is easy, whether that be pretending through denial of emotions or through a substance that makes us numb.

I think about where I was and where I am today and am grateful for the people who have responded to my heart with theirs. I think about my brothers and their upbringing, about the choices they've made and who they are comfortable being today, and my heartaches. Some of them continue in stubborness to change, to really look inside their hearts and find ways to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. If I could give one thing to my brothers, it would be Jesus Christ. He is the man who loved with all his heart and he gave his life so that we may have life in Him. But my brothers have heard of the man Christ and, yet, they still won't give him a chance to teach them how to love and have life to the full. Most women desire a man who loves with all their heart, and that doesn't mean knowing how to do everything. It means be willing to grow in love.

Love requires sacrifice, as Christ sacrificed his life in every aspect, in life and through death. Sacrificing our lives means that we make priority the heart of our loved ones. Nobody can make us do something we don't want to, so sacrifice, then, is a choice. When we are no longer living for ourselves, we act in the interest of others and for the pleasure of our loved ones, which, then satisfies our hearts' desires.

returning to the discipline of writing

Honestly, I have no idea how to begin my first blog. Writers believe that if a piece does not capture the reader's attention, then it's going to be difficult to draw any reader to what I have to say. I've thought for awhile about creating a blog, but I couldn't seem to decide for what purpose. I am a writer, an undisciplined writer. I haven't sat myself down to write a poem, or to write a creative non-fiction piece, much less, blog. I do, however, journal and reflect on my growth and learning. But my desire is to craft out of my reflections a piece of writing that connects you and me. My desire to write stems from the desire to connect, to share apart of me that is done best through words.

My mind easily fills with ideas. There is always something that can be said so creatively that listeners will be drawn to it. I don't care for rhetoric or in trying to persuade people to see through my eyes. Sometimes, I just want to see.

I believe that I have something to share, thus, I have committed to the discipline of writing. In addition to personal journaling and writing letters to my fiance, I will write to you so that you see me. As early graffiti artists felt alive having left their mark, I want to leave my mark and remind you that I was here, that I am alive. That I am one of billions who also long to share in the interconnectedness of humanity.

As you follow me, you can expect to see me as I struggle through making sense of my life and experiences. Through my vulnerability and strength, you will also see yourself.

                                                                                   In the photo: My NYC writing companions 2009